I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.