when nothing goes right… go left
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Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My dress code is business-casualty.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”