*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
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Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
This why you should mind your business
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Yes, but it was never about money
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”