My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
New comic up. “Ransom”
God has abandoned us.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Shower sex be like:
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Brands during Pride