Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Don’t tell me what to do
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.