No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
lmao
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
So the ex texted me
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it