GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?