It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
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CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.