Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones