Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
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I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too