Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea