I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”