Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
shut up and take my money
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
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Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.