Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
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To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless