German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
S O O N
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears