*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
You Might Also Like
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
this is the greatest thing ever
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox