Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
yeah 😭
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.