noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many