My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
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bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
crying
crochet youtube is brutal
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.