[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
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8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
had to make it
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*