ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
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Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”