ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”