It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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“Itself”
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“Itself”~History
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Not my job 😂
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”