If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
You wish you had this many chins.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.