What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU