My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
You Might Also Like
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.