Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
That 👊
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.