Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast