Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.