Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂