“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
You Might Also Like
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Oh. My. God.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’