[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
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Need this in my life lol
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin