[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
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It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.