DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.