When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
You Might Also Like
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
it is time once again
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.