I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Dietest Coke
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.