Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.