20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
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Animal poetry
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.