My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.