Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Camping tip: No.
God has abandoned us.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*Seductively hides in the woods
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food