Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
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dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
When I said I liked it rough.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Can’t stop laughing
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is