Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.