When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
calling in to work dehydrated
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I just ran a .003048K
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.