Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
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Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.