make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
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*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Wednesday
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!