On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
i can’t wait that long
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?