Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.