i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
You Might Also Like
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
こいつ天才
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
consequences, the bane of my existence
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?