ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
You Might Also Like
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.