If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
A great tip. #CakeRex
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones